I’ve never been able to handle loss.
People leave me and most of the time I don’t even know why. Knowing doesn’t make it any better.
I’ve avoided my most recent personal loss. Avoided feeling. Avoided thinking. Avoided everything because the thought is just too hard.
I started reading a new book. A book with characters I’m so familiar with (a series) and love like real people. The author killed one of the main characters. I grew up with these characters, from 16 until now.
This fictional loss has sent me into floods of tears.
I now know these are partly for the friend I have lost.
I now know that I won’t ever get over this. To me this friend has a similar meaning to me as the character in the book has to the people who love them. How do you get over that? How do you ever truly get over someone being gone?
Is it easier when someone dies? Is it harder? Or is it harder knowing that someone is there, right on the edge of your life, still there, always there. You just can’t ever get to them again.
I start a new job in the morning. I should be asleep. I stupidly read this book. I stupidly didn’t get my tears out earlier.
I can’t handle any more pain. Fictional, real…I can’t handle any of it.