I need a roof to sit on.

My first ever tape (yes, I’m talking pre-CDs) was by Robson and Jerome, two actors who were given a recording contract after singing together on the TV show Soldier, Soldier. I was a massive fan and I was very happy to have their song in my possession. Of course I didn’t know then that the song was actually a cover of a The Drifters song. Regardless, whichever version I listen to (my annoyances at covers dates after this songs release and it was the only version I knew for about ten years so I do still enjoy the Robson and Jerome cover) I still have the same lovely feelings as I had on day one. This is a song of hope, a song of getting away from the world and finding meaning in being alone. There’s only one catch, you have to go…

Up On The Roof

Yes, that was a bad joke type thing, haha.

To analyse the first two lines, they just give me so much hope that you can feel better again even after a bad day.

When this old world starts getting me down and people are just too much for me to face. I climb way up to the top of the stairs and all my cares just drift right into space.

Now I just need to find a roof to go sit on top of…any ideas?

Balancing out the bad

Here are some positive thoughts to balance out my negativity exhibited in the last post.

 

  1. Spending the day sorting through files (which I quite enjoyed).
  2. My boss telling me that her baby seems to like me because it keeps moving around in her womb every time she comes into my office and I talk. Lots of love for her and that.
  3. Walking to the butty shop with my boss.
  4. Getting two £5 notes out of the cash machine when I wasn’t looking forward to having to spend the £10 I was expecting in order to get change for the bus. £5 is more acceptable than £10, so it fit perfectly.
  5. Watching the Hotel Inspector, I do enjoy that programme.

Fitting Into The World

“The world is so much better when you find you don’t fit.”

– Amy Studt, Ladder in My Tights

If the world is so much better when you find you don’t fit into it, why do I always feel like such an outcast?

I don’t fit.

It doesn’t feel better.

It doesn’t feel good at all, particularly in recent years. I’ve always been on the outskirts of everyone else’s lives. I’m not the one everyone wants to be friends with, or the one everyone wants to talk to. I’m not the one that demands attention by being loud.

By not being loud people don’t notice me, which makes me feel a bit invisible sometimes.

How can life be so much better when you don’t fit into it? How can anything be so much better when other people don’t give you the time of day until they’ve got past the initial getting to know you stage?

Once we’re past that, it’s fine, in a way, though I still don’t really fit.

It’s hard to explain but it feels like nobody else sees the world the way I do. I don’t feel comfortable in many situations and though I do feel comfortable in my own skin, I also don’t. I get embarrassed easily and I struggle with my confidence.

I used to blame it all on being bullied, but the more I think about it the more I realise that it’s not as simple as that.

Before secondary school I was still someone that got embarrassed by certain things, performing in front of parents was one. Though I could perform in front of others’ parents, so maybe it was the bullying that made things so much worse.

None of that explains how I feel about alcohol, drugs and criminal activity. Crimes are something a lot of people are against, so that’s not exactly anything special. Drugs, some people are into them, some people aren’t. But alcohol, it’s like the biggest issue ever. When you’re a teenager the first thought of spending time with friends is shopping, cinema, bowling…but once you hit adulthood it’s drinking and not much more. Or so it feels. I feel like not drinking and not liking to go to clubs and very noisy bars is a hindrance. It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with people I meet, but when the only options is going out to a club I’m left in a place where I feel uneasy.

Is it too much to want to spend time with people I meet in less busy/noisy environments like bowling, restaurants and even the theatre? When you’re twenty-four years old it seems to be. Maybe some of my old friends are growing out of their drinking every moment they can, but in the time it’s taken them to get to that place, I’ve already lost them.

Then there’s clothes and make-up and shoes and sunbeds. I’m just not interested in them. I don’t mind going to a shop and trying on some clothes, but I don’t want to talk about them. I don’t want to spend my day shopping, not really.

But when the people you meet are interested, generally, in going out drinking and buying new clothes/shows, etc. then what options do I have? Where can I go to meet people whose first thought isn’t alcohol and shopping? There isn’t anywhere. You might be sitting there saying I’m wrong, well, if I am, prove it. Where can I meet these people who don’t want to spend all their socialising time in clubs and drinking?

Finally there’s the issue of getting from knowing someone to being their friend. How the hell does that happen? Some people seem to have no trouble. They meet people and within a couple of hours they’ve swapped numbers and have planned fun things to do together. Am I doing it wrong? Is it not normal to want to give things time to grow before you start asking people if they want to spend time away from the meeting place? And why do people never ask me for my number or invite me out places? Even in this online world, where I used to think I thrived, I’ve found that people ask each other to go out and do things, but nobody ever asks me. What is it that I’m doing that’s so different to everyone else? Why am I always the one that doesn’t get asked to do these things? Is it because I don’t fit? Is it because people don’t like me? What?

I don’t fit into the world…and hardly anyone seems to give a crap about me.

The Future

I met a guy yesterday who talked about how he got to where he is today. He had a lot of opportunities thrown his way, some of which he didn’t take because he knew where he wanted to get to. If an opportunity doesn’t fit in with where you want to end up, should you take it? He didn’t think so.

He said that it’s better to find a career than a job, which I’ve always believed in, which is probably why I’ve struggled so much to find a job/career. If you know what you want to do, where you want to end up, then you know which jobs will help you get there.

This leaves me with a question that I’m not entirely sure I can answer.

What do I want to do with my life? Where do I want to end up?

I know that I want to work with young people. I feel passionate about doing so and my recent summer job was such an amazing environment that I can’t help but recognise how much I want to work with young people. I thrive in that environment and I can’t see my life going in any other way.

But there’s so much out there, so many different jobs involving working with young people. Which one do I want? Which section of the children/young people’s sector do I want to be part of? Do I want to work in a school? (The answer is probably no.) Do I want to work in a youth club? (It sounds good, but there’s limited opportunities in this area related to youth clubs because they’re opening very big, very expensive ones which cut down on the number of potential jobs. The jobs that have been advertised have been quite specialist [art, sports, etc.] so I don’t exactly fit into any category.) So what do I want to do?

I wish I knew.

I have a few ideas of things I would love to do. Setting up my own charity would be one. But how can I set up my own charity when I feel I don’t have enough experience in a charity to even have such a responsible role?

I want to either set up a volunteering programme which allows young people (probably 14-18 or maybe 16-25, or perhaps a mix. 14-17 with 18-25 to support the younger ones) to do projects in the community. It comes off the back of my summer job. I want to do more with young people around them owning projects, driving forward change, putting things into action. It can be quite costly though and money is certainly the biggest issue with the whole idea of setting up my own charity.

I’m also interested in young people and creative writing. Schools focus so much on getting young people through English exams. It’s less about the English language and more about English language exams. I would love to be able to do workshops with young people around building up creative writing skills, helping them to hone their skills in a creative manner.

There’s no reason why I couldn’t do both, if I was able to get some money to do so. The creative writing idea is only one of many, many potential projects that could exist within a charity for young people. But there are also, as I said about youth centres, many projects that exist for young people. Do we really need any more? Can I not just find one that does enough of what I want to do? Well, yes, I could.

But there’s no jobs available right now…

So what else am I supposed to do but dream?

Happiness? Here’s some good things…

Not exactly been the happiest of days, so here’s some positives to focus on:

 

– Omigod You Guys (from Legally Blonde the Musical) which I love listening to and makes me feel really hyper and happy, of course I listened to it today.

 

– Spending the day attempting to upload videos to a computer, even though all my attempts failed, it was still enjoyable to try.

 

– Having a lie in! Since I’ve been so busy lately I’ve not had a proper lie in for a while and I didn’t get one today, but my alarm going off at 9 was much better than the 6.30/7.00 of the days before.

 

– Being able to write a drabble, the game of drabble tag on Paint-It-Red.com is a little slower than I would have liked because it relies on someone else writing a drabble before I can do another one. Frustrating at times, so enjoyable when I can finally write one.

 

– Uploading pictures of Sunday’s painting and playing in a multi-sensory room escapade, yay for working with young people doing something amazing. It makes me want to be able to set up some project where young people can get involved in volunteering like this.