“The world is so much better when you find you don’t fit.”
– Amy Studt, Ladder in My Tights
If the world is so much better when you find you don’t fit into it, why do I always feel like such an outcast?
I don’t fit.
It doesn’t feel better.
It doesn’t feel good at all, particularly in recent years. I’ve always been on the outskirts of everyone else’s lives. I’m not the one everyone wants to be friends with, or the one everyone wants to talk to. I’m not the one that demands attention by being loud.
By not being loud people don’t notice me, which makes me feel a bit invisible sometimes.
How can life be so much better when you don’t fit into it? How can anything be so much better when other people don’t give you the time of day until they’ve got past the initial getting to know you stage?
Once we’re past that, it’s fine, in a way, though I still don’t really fit.
It’s hard to explain but it feels like nobody else sees the world the way I do. I don’t feel comfortable in many situations and though I do feel comfortable in my own skin, I also don’t. I get embarrassed easily and I struggle with my confidence.
I used to blame it all on being bullied, but the more I think about it the more I realise that it’s not as simple as that.
Before secondary school I was still someone that got embarrassed by certain things, performing in front of parents was one. Though I could perform in front of others’ parents, so maybe it was the bullying that made things so much worse.
None of that explains how I feel about alcohol, drugs and criminal activity. Crimes are something a lot of people are against, so that’s not exactly anything special. Drugs, some people are into them, some people aren’t. But alcohol, it’s like the biggest issue ever. When you’re a teenager the first thought of spending time with friends is shopping, cinema, bowling…but once you hit adulthood it’s drinking and not much more. Or so it feels. I feel like not drinking and not liking to go to clubs and very noisy bars is a hindrance. It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with people I meet, but when the only options is going out to a club I’m left in a place where I feel uneasy.
Is it too much to want to spend time with people I meet in less busy/noisy environments like bowling, restaurants and even the theatre? When you’re twenty-four years old it seems to be. Maybe some of my old friends are growing out of their drinking every moment they can, but in the time it’s taken them to get to that place, I’ve already lost them.
Then there’s clothes and make-up and shoes and sunbeds. I’m just not interested in them. I don’t mind going to a shop and trying on some clothes, but I don’t want to talk about them. I don’t want to spend my day shopping, not really.
But when the people you meet are interested, generally, in going out drinking and buying new clothes/shows, etc. then what options do I have? Where can I go to meet people whose first thought isn’t alcohol and shopping? There isn’t anywhere. You might be sitting there saying I’m wrong, well, if I am, prove it. Where can I meet these people who don’t want to spend all their socialising time in clubs and drinking?
Finally there’s the issue of getting from knowing someone to being their friend. How the hell does that happen? Some people seem to have no trouble. They meet people and within a couple of hours they’ve swapped numbers and have planned fun things to do together. Am I doing it wrong? Is it not normal to want to give things time to grow before you start asking people if they want to spend time away from the meeting place? And why do people never ask me for my number or invite me out places? Even in this online world, where I used to think I thrived, I’ve found that people ask each other to go out and do things, but nobody ever asks me. What is it that I’m doing that’s so different to everyone else? Why am I always the one that doesn’t get asked to do these things? Is it because I don’t fit? Is it because people don’t like me? What?
I don’t fit into the world…and hardly anyone seems to give a crap about me.