Paper rounds and Political Correctness

So the blogathon has ended and in true fashion, I’m behind.

This blog I’m supposed to be using to tell you all about a wintry story of the non-fairytale variety and also sharing some jokes. I’m not sure what good I’ll be at the story side of things because try as I might to think of a story I cannot.

Okay, here goes…one year I had some bad luck on ice and for that very reason I have since been quite scared of going out when snow falls; mostly when it’s just a thin layer of snow because that freezes instantly.

I used to do a paper round in the local area and one winter I was walking down a garden path when I slipped, I kid you not, my arms flew into the air and the newspaper in my hand went flying like a bird across the path onto a bush. I can laugh about how silly I probably looked falling and landing on the ground. But I also can’t because I hurt my knee.

That same winter I went ice skating for my birthday, a group of people (who were being idiots, skating along about 5 of them together, holding each other’s hands) came by and they knocked me down. They didn’t care to stop…but I hurt my knee again and when I woke up the next day (on my actual birthday) my knee was so painful I couldn’t even walk at first.

Since then, for about 5 years on the trot I ended up slipping over and hurting myself. After the knee I went on to damage my coccyx on more than one occasion, another year I slipped and landed on my wrist…I’m still surprised I didn’t break it from how hard I landed on it.

My knee used to ache in the joint when it got really cold, though it hasn’t for a couple of years now (phew!).

Onwards to a joke…

‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck…
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to “Elves”,
“Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!?

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called “Unenlightened.”

And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows:
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she’d enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he’d ne’er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets…they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football…someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you’ve got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere…even you.

So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth…

“May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.”

(copyright (c) Harvey Ehrlich 1992)


One thought on “Paper rounds and Political Correctness

  1. What a lovely poem!! Haha made me smile!

    I’m sorry Old Man Winter has been so unkind to you, lots of slips, trips and falls. Might I recommend pair of these… ever so snuggly for the toes and with a nice thick grip on the bottom, perfect for snow and ice! I swear by mine and have *touch wood* never fallen in them despite running and wearing them while drunk (see current twitter picture!). I hope that this winters season is more kind, whether in terms of weather or just bumps and bruises xx

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